The Why...

Hi everyone. Todays blog is going to be me rambling on about a bunch of random things that I am hoping will explain why I decided to start this blog. My blogs will be far from perfect. My grammer, spelling and story telling will be all over the place, and that's ok. Hopefully you stick around long enough to see it all come together. Lets begin...

This last year to year and a half has been a little crazy for me. I can say that for the most part I have felt myself living my life as an outsider looking in. Of course being a mother of 4 children, yes 4 lol, I couldn't completely shut down, but it took everything in me and the prayers of a many to keep me going. I know I know its sounds a little dramatic, and I also know that to some people it may not seem like a big deal. People have gone through so much more than I have, but there's something that you have to understand. I was raised in a bubble. So when I got married 15 years ago life was a big surprise for me. That however is a story for another day.

While I was struggling with myself I was also watching the people I love falling apart, but I decided there was no way I could help them when I couldn't even fix myself. I was a hot mess. I went from blaming my husband to blaming myself and also blaming God... and a few other people lol. Simply putting it I was allowing myself to drown and was refusing the help God would send. I didn't even realize how bad I had gotten.

After a while I said ENOUGH I can't keep living like this what am I teaching my children. So I got a job. I gave my all to it. I did pretty well too. I loved the distraction it brought it became a kind of game for me. I stopped caring about home. I worked now why do I have to do everything... the kids have a father have him help, and yes that is true that's what needed to happen, but my attitude behind it was what was bad. Finally my husband and children cornered me and expressed how much I was missed at home and how they needed me there. I had to make a choice. The choice was never between working or staying home and taking care of the house. It was between my needs and the needs of my family. Believe me it wasn't an easy choice. I didn't know how to let go and when I decided to tell them they said but we need you. So although I promised my husband and children I would stop working them crazy hours I also told my job I'd stay. Next thing I knew I was having emergency surgery to remove my gallbladder, and my crazy life came to a screeching halt.

That is where I am at right now. Trying to find my balance between my family and myself. I know many who know me are probably asking what about God. Let me answer that. I never needed to figure out where He was/is in my life because, even at my worst He's always been the center of my world. My anchor. Plain and simple.

I decided that the best place for me to start was with my marriage. so for the next 60 or so days one of my main focuses on this blog will be just that. I was blessed with an amazing man of God. I can honestly say he's one in a million. No he's not perfect. but he was designed perfectly for me. So of course I want to be the best woman for him. I want to take the proverbs 31 woman and make her a part of me as best as possible. Sooooo that means I will be doing things I stopped doing a while ago. Maybe I'm the only one who stopped who knows, but if I'm being real I stopped trying to impress my husband and that needs to change. I want a long long life with him and in order for that to happen I need to work on me first. This month is dedicated to proverbs 31. Follow me on my journey and join along.