Hi guys!! So I just saw that the last time I blogged was November 1ST !!! That's crazy! Its been 2 months since I have posted anywhere including YouTube!! Its been a crazy couple months, but for Christmas my hubby bought me a really nice laptop, and as I sit here at the hospital, I am really grateful for it. I have been organizing for hours now. Today is January 1st... it is 11:13pm right now, and I'm sure I wont post this until after midnight so that is why I'm saying that I did start on the first of January!
So I know that I have been MIA for a good min... so much has changed in my life, and to be honest it took me a little of time to adjust. I haven't fully adjusted, but I am taking it one day at a time. I have been very lost lately, and I have had a lot of questions for God. From 2018 till now it has been non stop of things. A lot of losses... starting with my health , I had a lot of problems with my heart, and I thank God for his healing hand. To losing a baby. That one nearly destroyed me. I was in a dark place for months. Gained a grip of weight and didn't care my Fitbit told me I was moving less than 1000 steps a day. I cried a lot and was mad at the world. I was angry with God and my husband and myself. By the end of 2018 a week or 2 before Christmas my husband lost his job... he was the main provider for us a family of 6, but the one thing I refused to do was loose my home. So we figured it out, and at this time last year my dog got out and we never found him. That is still hard for me because I remember crying talking about how much I lost including my freaken dog.
2019 was no better. I felt like I was loosing my grip on reality. I was carrying so much in me. My son was rebelling like crazy. Between his I don't care attitude, his grades , him lying to my face and going behind my back doing things he knew darn well would get him in a lot of trouble, and his hormones... I almost broke. What finally broke me was when my landlord announced she wanted to sell the house...… wait what!! Do you even know how hard I fought to stay there. How difficult it was for us... I cried like a baby. Worst part is they had given my husband a letter letting us know we had 30 days because they wanted to sell asap, and he never really read it so when my mother mentioned it I asked and we realized we had less than 2 weeks to move... we had been there for almost 3 years! a family of 6 and 3 dogs! So we made a plan and moved into my moms house. Which was across the street. So now we live there. I gave us a time frame of a year. Because my husband needs to be working for at least two years to buy a house.
So I was finally settling down, when BAM my father got diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer, So here I am today he got admitted because he was vomiting blood. I am sitting here staring at him while he sleeps waiting for the lab people to come draw blood because his level was 7.1 last time and if it goes bellow 7 he will need a transfusion. So all I can do is throw my hands up and say I cant. Most of what I mentioned was out of my control. I couldn't control the lose of my baby... I couldn't control the lose of my husbands job, I couldn't control my son hating me, I couldn't control the landlords deciding to sell the house... and I def cant control my fathers illness. All I can do is surrender it all. All I can do is sit here with my worship music playing and praying to God to take control.
This may sound weird, and I'm not saying I'm ok with everything, but the peace that floods you when you let go and let God take over is indescribable. I'm not saying everything is automatically fixed or that I wont have my mini melt downs... I am human after all ... I'm just saying I don't have to carry it anymore. I can release it and let healing start. I'm not going to do a new year resolution this year, Well not a basic generic one. My goal this year is to take back all the devil has stolen from me. Beginning with my peace. Yes maybe 2018 and 2019 were years of loses... but 2020 is the year of promises, and that's what I will be focusing on.
Have a blessed year this year!!!
